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Welcome to Skills For Youth! The social skill described this month is:

Delaying Tactics

Description of the Skill
The purpose of Delaying Tactics is to give youth a way to refuse unwanted sexual advances or risky situations without actually saying no. In our experience, this is an important skill for youth for several reasons. First, youth may need time to think about the best way to say no or youth may feel ambivalent about whether or not they want to be sexually active. Delaying gives them time to think through their decision and response. Second, they may need to say or do something that breaks the mood or cools things down. Finally, they may feel a need to save face in front of their peers and a delay can help prevent embarrassment. Although we all have used some form of Delaying Tactics in our lives, providing the following four approaches will help youth identify their options.

Use a delay statement. For example, one could say:

"I'm not ready."
"Sorry, I have to be home early tonight."
"It's not the right time."
"Not tonight, I'm coming down with a cold."
Use delay actions. For example, one could:

Stop kissing.
Go to the restroom.
Drop something.
Look uninterested or distracted.
Create Space for Yourself. For example, one could say or do:

"I need time to think about this."
Cross your arms in front of your body.
Take a step back.
Turn away.
End the Situation Quickly. For example one could say or do:

"I've got to go now."
"Wow, look at the time."
Push the person away.
Walk away.

Youth often worry that "not going along" with the situation may end a relationship. To address this concern you might suggest two things. First, while they are using Delaying Tactics they can do things to build the relationship. For example, one could say:

"I know this isn't easy for you either",
"I like you, but I need time to think" or
"let's talk tomorrow."

This lets the other person know that the Delay is about the behavior, not a rejection of the person. Second, they can start their delay by just making a statement. If this doesn't seem to be effective they could repeat their statement adding a delay action. If the statement and action don't end the pressure they could add creating space and ending the situation quickly. This graduated approach is more gentle and may feel more comfortable to both people in the relationship. It is important to emphasize, however, that if at any time a youth perceives any kind of physical threat, they should create space and end the situation immediately!

Source: Reducing the Risk, ETR Associates, Santa Cruz, CA, 1993.

Demonstration of the Skill
Before youth can effectively practice the Delaying Tactics, they need to discuss each of the approaches listed above and see them demonstrated. Some suggestions for demonstrating the approaches include:

Ask for volunteers to act out examples of an effective use of each approach. Youth should have fun with this because we all have used delay when we haven't felt comfortable saying no to someone. Modeling different ways to delay should provide new options for the youth.
Using a scripted role play, have several volunteers demonstrate each of the Delaying Tactics approaches. Have youth evaluate what they saw and what made the delay most effective. Scripted role plays can be developed by youth or found in already published curricula.

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Behavioral Practice of the Skill
Once youth have seen a variety of Delaying Tactics demonstrated several times, they are ready for individual behavioral practice. See this month's Educator Skills for more information about behavioral practice. Some specific suggestions for Delaying Tactics practice include:

In pairs or small groups of three or four, use scripted role plays to practice Delaying Tactics. Youth can make up the role plays or the educator can use ones found in already published curricula like those described in the Programs That Work section.
If the group is small, approach each youth with a different situation and have them practice their Delaying Tactics in front of the whole group. The group can coach each youth and give feedback on how effectively they used Delaying Tactics.
Make sure that youth have an opportunity to practice each of the four approaches to demonstrate that they can use each one and to determine for themselves which one works best for them in different situations.
Set up a practice situation where youth have to use a graduated approach as described above.
Give youth a homework assignment, asking them to keep a record for several days of when they use Delaying Tactics. Discuss the homework with the group reinforcing their successes and helping them improve their Delaying Tactics. NOTE: Be sensitive to youth's confidentiality, allowing individuals to pass if they aren't comfortable sharing.

Tips
To maximize your effectiveness in teaching the Delaying Tactics, we suggest that educators:

Circulate among the youth, commenting on what they are doing well and giving them tips for how to effectively use the different approaches to Delaying Tactics.

Have youth use a checklist that outlines the different approaches so they can gently coach each other as they practice. Be sure to add "building relationship" to the checklist. (See Sample Observer Checklist.)

Start with scripted role plays for practice so youth get used to using the Delaying words and actions. As youth become comfortable, have them practice without scripts.

Debrief after each practice session identifying what went well and giving suggestions for overcoming the stumbling blocks or barriers.

Connect the role plays to real life by making sure the situations and language are relevant and realistic. Ask youth for feedback and make adjustments accordingly. The more they participate, the more they will learn and be able to apply the skill.

Follow-up with the lesson several times over the next few months asking youth how they are using Delaying Tactics, what is working and what needs more practice. Provide additional practice as necessary.

This lesson could be a perfect opportunity to discuss why we feel uncomfortable saying no. Be sure to discuss such reasons as fear of embarrassment or rejection and the desire to be liked. Have youth discuss how they feel about someone who is able to say no. Emphasize why saying no leads to self-respect and respect from others.

Emphasize that while Delaying Tactics buy time and space to think about our decision and responses, eventually we have to say no to things we don't want. Therefore, learning to say no is also important.

Note: Links on this page with the Portable Document Format icon require Adobe Acrobat Reader to view and print them. You can download this free software at:
http://www.adobe.com/prodindex/acrobat/readstep.html.

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